Well, this is a fun topic, huh? We all have that “I’m not good enough” thought, often underneath other thoughts. It tends to be buried down a few layers. And we each manifest the thought in different ways. We show up in our own way as we are struggling with this and today I want to talk about why this is a recurring thought and what to do when you don’t feel good enough.
Why you struggle with the thought “I’m not good enough” and how you show up:
I’ve provided some examples of thoughts below that I know women struggle with:
- You’ve messed up a lot so you feel like a permanent failure.
- You could never meet the expectations of your parents.
- You deeply hate disappointing people.
- You haven’t been “successful” yet.
- You have a dream on your heart that you believe in so deeply but it hasn’t fully come to fruition yet.
- You “don’t have your life together” (whatever that means) so you think you’re a failure.
- You still have debt.
- You give give give and nobody gives back to you so you feel unworthy.
- Your house is “never clean enough” and that one closet full of stuff you haven’t used in years still needs to be cleaned out.
- You’ve done SO MUCH and are still unhappy with where you are because you didn’t give yourself one bit of credit for all of that other stuff that “doesn’t count”.
- You are being a mom AND an employee or business owner and you feel guilty when you’re at one and not the other.
- You wish you wanted to do yo’ man way more often than you do but you’re just freakin’ tired and then you feel guilty for not meeting his physical needs. (Yeah, I went there.)
- Heck, you wish you enjoyed intimate time more than you do and you wish you were bold enough to tell him to meet YOUR needs but you don’t say anything because you’re not confident in yourself.
- You don’t feel good enough at the aforementioned act. You’ve been told that women need to do this, look like that, wear those to be sexy. You struggle to just be yourself amidst all of those messages.
Here are some ways that you show up in life when you feel this way:
- You prove that you’re “good enough” to your family by getting a really good job.
- You constantly say yes to everyone but yourself.
- You take whatever job will pay you, even if it’s not much money at all.
- You buy stuff that makes you appear as if you have a great life.
- You get mad at your kids sometimes and lash out when you’re really mad at yourself because of how you handled a situation with them.
- You blame your husband for not loving you enough when truthfully, you lack love for yourself.
- You don’t go to the gym because you think you’ll look silly and instead you stay home and have just one more glass of wine after dinner.
- You set your alarm for thirty minutes earlier and after the first week of getting up at that earlier time, you sleep too late one day and quit that new habit you were forming.
- You want to complete a Whole30 or cut sugar out of your diet but you don’t believe you can be healthy because you aren’t good at cooking or meal prepping so you keep buying chocolate at the grocery store and going through the drive-thru after work.
- You compare your life to people’s social media feeds and assume they must be good enough because things worked out for them.
- You avoid sexy time altogether.
- You attempt to make up for that by overdoing it as a wife and taking care of your husband in other ways.
- You volunteer for alllll of the church activities to be a good Christian.
- You show up for every school or extracurricular activity for your kids to prove you’re a “good mom”.
I could go on, but I’ll stop there. Any of those ring a bell? Or maybe you have your own version of why you aren’t good enough that I didn’t list. We all do.
No matter what yours is, know that it’s just a thought you’re telling yourself. That’s it.
Does that mean that now that you have the awareness you’ll suddenly become super confident and have full belief in yourself all of the time? Uh, that’s a no. Not gonna lie, friend. It’s not that easy. Changing this deeply ingrained thought takes time and you have to give yourself the grace to move through this process. BUT, it’s on you to change it. No one else can cultivate the belief that you ARE good enough, just as you are, but you. You have to take control of your mind, change that thought, and then change your feelings about yourself as a result. And it IS possible to believe new things.
How to change the “I’m not good enough” thought:
Practice a new thought.
A little baby thought. Not a grandiose thought like, “Of course I’m good enough because of everything I’ve done.” or “I’m the most confident person I know.” That feels a little fraudy, am I right? And you don’t have to DO things to cultivate this new thought. All you have to do is change the initial thought about yourself. The actions from that new thought will change as a result.
Think something like, “I know I am capable of believing I’m good enough just as I am.”
When you can start believing that, it will be a heck of a lot easier to believe you actually ARE good enough, you feel me?
Another example to consider that my coach pointed out recently and it stuck with me:
If you have a dog (or whatever pet you prefer), do you look at that dog and believe it’s perfect in every way and love it so deeply just for being your cute pup? Um, yeah you do. If you’re anything like me, you even TELL your dog that they are perfect in every way and can do no wrong. Pet mom, much? I will snuggle my pup, Marley, and tell her over and over that she is a precious angel that can do no wrong. Even though she does wrong sometimes. Sometimes she digs holes in the backyard to lay in and sometimes she scratches my rugs thinking she is digging holes inside the house. She’s not perfect. But I love her UNCONDITIONALLY. You probably feel this way about your kids if you have them. Or if you have neither of those things, think about something you love without bounds. No matter what.
That’s the kind of love I want you to have for yourself. And you can have that. It takes time. It takes practicing new beliefs, but you can do that. You start small and over time, it does get easier.
Also, please listen to this if you want more on this! Brooke’s explanation of this concept is so beautiful.
Also also, if you really want to dig in and improve this belief system in yourself, let’s work together one-on-one to get you there. You are worthy of loving yourself, of prioritizing yourself, and of living a life where you genuinely believe that you are good enough. Book your free clarity call to get started. Or head here to read about working with me.